INTRODUCTION

(Series Slide)

Good morning! My name is David Sorn, and I’m the Lead Pastor of Renovation Church.

Let’s talk about something really fun today, like family drama. 😊

If you think about it, a lot of Family Drama grows simply because of our inability to communicate well with each other.

Right?

Something happens in the family (someone makes a wrong choice or says something hurtful), and people get upset.

But then, fixing that, requires really good communication.

But we often don’t get that.

Some families are full of “stuffers”

People who never talk about what happened, and they just pretend everything’s fine.

Others are full of yellers who just air it all out

Or some families, push it way down deep, until one day, it explodes in one gigantic volcanic eruption!

And we’ve had no shortage of family drama in our “Life of Jacob” series

And today, we’re going to see 20 years of drama come to a head

Especially around Jacob & his father-in-law Laban

All right, go ahead a grab a Bible

Genesis 31:22-24

Page 22

If you’re new today or you missed a week or two, here’s what’s happened in our “Life of Jacob” series so far:

Jacob stole his twin brother Esau’s birthright & blessing, and so he was forced to leave his homeland

…and he had to flee north to modern-day Turkey

Then Jacob starts a family there , and works for his father-in-law Laban for 20 years.

But Laban has generally been a terrible boss (and not-so-great father-in-law), so Jacob wants to move his family back to the Promised Land

And last week’s passage ended with Jacob’s family secretly leaving

Let’s take a look now at what happens next, starting at verse 22

LABAN’S NARCISSISM

(Genesis 31:22-24) – NIV

22 On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled. 23 Taking his relatives with him, he pursued Jacob for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead. 24 Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, “Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.”

(The Manipulator’s Manual)

So Jacob has at least a 3-day headstart on Laban before Laban realizes Jacob is gone…as their flocks and camps were not close to each other anymore.

And yet, Laban still catches up.

And scholars have said this is because every 20 minutes, one of Jacob’s many kids needed to stop for a bathroom break.

And Laban is coming with all sorts of evil intentions to harm Jacob, but God appears to Laban in a dream, and says, “Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad”

This is a bit of a Hebrew idiom.

It just essentially means, “When you see Jacob, don’t you try anything!”

The Lord knew Laban wanted to harm Jacob because Jacob left…without even talking about to Laban…

…because Jacob felt like if he told Laban that he was going to take his family and leave, that Laban would explode, and somehow trap him there, so Jacob just leaves.

Let’s look at verses 25 & 26 now

Genesis 31:25-30

Page 22

(Genesis 31:25-26) – NIV

25 Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country of Gilead when Laban overtook him, and Laban and his relatives camped there too. 26 Then Laban said to Jacob, “What have you done? You’ve deceived me, and you’ve carried off my daughters like captives in war.

(The Manipulator’s Manual)

So Jacob & Laban’s 20 years of dancing around each other is coming to an emotional head here.

And Laban, especially, is going to throw out every tactic from the Manipulator’s Manual that he can think of.

In fact, if you’re taking notes, I want you to write down the elements of manipulation we see in this chapter.

(Row 1)

In verse 26 Laban says, “You’ve deceived me, and you’ve carried off my daughters like captives in war!”

This is what psychologists call catastrophizing (exaggerating something into a catastrophe)

Laban is using extreme, dramatic language to make Jacob feel guilty.

But earlier in the chapter it says that Laban’s daughters left willingly. They actually didn’t even really like their father.

But Laban is trying to manipulate Jacob into feeling bad.

This is what people do in conflict.

We catastrophize. We exaggerate.

Like, you say to someone: “You need to apologize to me. I’ve never been so hurt in my whole life.”

When, yes, maybe you’re hurt, but “never been so hurt in my whole life” was probably laying it on a little thick

We exaggerate the details, so we can move people to action.

But it’s not Godly, it’s not truthful, it’s manipulation.

But that tactic doesn’t work on Jacob, so Laban tries another form of manipulation from his Manipulator’s Manual

Look at 27 & 28 now

(Genesis 31:27-28) – NIV

27 Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn’t you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of timbrels and harps? 28 You didn’t even let me kiss my grandchildren and my daughters goodbye. You have done a foolish thing.

Again, this is manipulation

(Row 2)

He’s trying to make Jacob feel guilty.

This is what psychologists call “hypothetical virtue”

Laban is painting this hypothetical (possible version) of himself.

He’s saying, “I would have thrown a huge goodbye party for you all, and I could’ve honored you. And kissed my grandkids goodbye!”

You can FEEL the manipulation here

But is it true?

No. Based on the past 20 years, Laban has only been living for himself, and he’s actually been quite cruel to Jacob’s family.

There’s no way Laban would’ve thrown a party & then blessed them on their way.

But Laban now wants credit for a deed he never did, based on a hypothetical situation that never happened.

And if you watch closely in conflict, people still use this tactic of “hypothetical virtue” still today.

One spouse says:

“I was planning on just listening to you and not saying anything, but then you came at me like that”

But were they planning on listening well? We’ll never know. It’s hypothetical virtue.

A parent says to their adult child:

“If you would’ve just come to me, I would’ve supported you with open arms.”

Would they have? Maybe? We don’t know. It’s hypothetical.

But this tactic of hypothetical virtue doesn’t land for Laban either, so he tries a 3rd tactic of manipulation.

(Genesis 31:29 – NIV

29 I have the power to harm you; but last night the God of your father said to me, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.’

(Row 3 )

This is what psychologists would simply call “Intimidation”

Notice, Laban didn’t say, “I’m going to harm you.”

He says, “I have the power to harm you,” but I can’t…but you never know, I might. It’s an implied threat.

And it’s textbook manipulation.

He’s trying to keep Jacob off balance by cycling between fear and safety.

And in today’s world, this is like when people say things like:

“Let me remind you: I know some things about you that I could tell the rest of the family, but I don’t.

Or, “I wouldn’t push this if I were you. You don’t want to see me angry

Or, “Just remember who’s financially supporting you when you make that next decision”

It’s the manipulation of intimidation

But this ALSO doesn’t work on Jacob, so Laban tries a 4th method…that oddly, will land.

(Genesis 31:30) – NIV

30 Now you have gone off because you longed to return to your father’s household. But why did you steal my gods?”

Now, at the end of the last passage, Rachel, Jacob’s wife actually stole her father Laban’s household gods (his idols).

Which is a whole different topic about Rachel and why she would even do that…but she did!

But hold on, what is Laban doing now?!

He can’t seem to get Jacob to feel bad about leaving, so he pulls something else out of his hat that he could maybe get Jacob to feel guilt.

(Row 4)

And out of nowhere he says, “And by the way, you stole from me!!”

This is what philosophers call a “Red Herring”

It’s when you don’t want to answer or deal with a question, so you just change the subject (or shift the blame) to make the person feel bad about something often totally different.

This is like when your roommate says to you:

How come you didn’t finish cleaning the kitchen today?

And you say, “Let me ask you a question, ‘How come you never get your rent in on time?”

You’re not answering the question. You introduced a red herring.

Politicians do this constantly when reporters ask them questions.

Or your spouse says:

I don’t appreciate how you spoke to me.”

And you say, “Well, maybe if you weren’t so insecure all the time, this wouldn’t be a problem”

Or a child says to their parent, “I felt really hurt by that.”

And the parent says, “Well, I guess I’m just the worst parent in the world then”

It’s manipulation…you feel guilt, so you introduce a red herring that helps you shift the blame back to them, so you don’t have to sit w/ guilt and fix the problem

So, instead of Laban having to answer for his 20 years of being a terrible boss and father in law, suddenly Laban is the victim (somebody stole from him)

And for some reason, this 4th method of manipulation works on Jacob.

We’re all more susceptible to different tactics than others.

Perhaps Jacob wants to prove that now he’s a good and trustworthy person. That he no longer steals (think birthright & blessing) like he used to

In fact, in verses 31-37, Jacob completely overreacts to Laban’s Red Herring tactic about the stolen gods, and Jacob says if anyone is found with Laban’s gods, they’ll be killed!

Let’s jump down to verse 38 now

Genesis 31:38-43

Page 23

Jacob has been holding this all in, afraid of Laban, for 20 years.

But now, he’s going to let it all out!

(Genesis 31:38-43) – NIV

38 “I have been with you for twenty years now. Your sheep and goats have not miscarried, nor have I eaten rams from your flocks. 39 I did not bring you animals torn by wild beasts; I bore the loss myself. And you demanded payment from me for whatever was stolen by day or night. 40 This was my situation: The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and sleep fled from my eyes. 41 It was like this for the twenty years I was in your household. I worked for you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your flocks, and you changed my wages ten times. 42 If the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been with me, you would surely have sent me away empty-handed. But God has seen my hardship and the toil of my hands, and last night he rebuked you.” 43 Laban answered Jacob, “The women are my daughters, the children are my children, and the flocks are my flocks. All you see is mine. Yet what can I do today about these daughters of mine, or about the children they have borne?

After 20 years of pain, Jacob lets it all out, but does it work?

No.

And unfortunately Laban even tries one last manipulation tactic

(row 5)

And he tells Jacob: “Rachel and Leah are actually still mine, and your flocks, they’re mine too!”

But that’s not true! Jacob is married, and remember, they even made a deal that Jacob could keep the speckled and spotted flocks!

It’s almost like Laban is trying to erase Jacob as a person. Laban sees everything in his sphere as a domain he’s entitled to

What would we call this in his Manipulation Manual?

It’s entitlement

This like when someone says, “She’s my daughter! I’ll tell her what to do”

“Those are my grandchildren, and I have the right to see them whenever I want”

But this won’t work, and Laban begins to finally see he no longer has control over Jacob.

He can’t manipulate him any longer

“And so Laban proposes a boundary between them, not because Laban is a healthy person, but because he wants to save his own skin in case Jacob (who is growing to be the more powerful one) ever seeks revenge

Genesis 31:44-52

Page 23

(Genesis 31:44-52) – NIV

44 Come now, let’s make a covenant, you and I, and let it serve as a witness between us.”

45 So Jacob took a stone and set it up as a pillar. 46 He said to his relatives, “Gather some stones.” So they took stones and piled them in a heap, and they ate there by the heap. 47 Laban called it Jegar Sahadutha, and Jacob called it Galeed.[a]

48 Laban said, “This heap is a witness between you and me today.” That is why it was called Galeed. 49 It was also called Mizpah,[b] because he said, “May the Lord keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other. 50 If you mistreat my daughters or if you take any wives besides my daughters, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me.”

51 Laban also said to Jacob, “Here is this heap, and here is this pillar I have set up between you and me. 52 This heap is a witness, and this pillar is a witness, that I will not go past this heap to your side to harm you and that you will not go past this heap and pillar to my side to harm me.

(The Manipulator’s Manual)

So Jacob and Laban make a covenant that neither of them will pass the boundary pillar they just made, and that if either of them do wrong, may God judge them.

And the passage ends with Laban kissing his family goodbye, and he’s never heard from again in the Bible.

WHAT DO I DO IF I FEEL LIKE I’M BEING MANIPULATED?

Now I want to answer two questions here about manipulation

And I wish I had a lot more time to do so.

The first one is this:

TWO QUESTIONS ON MANIPULATION

#1: What do I do if I feel like I’m being manipulated?

Now, firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that there is a massive spectrum of manipulation.

Every single one of us are probably manipulated every day in some sense.

From the little things like your friend saying after church, “Let’s go to Culver’s for lunch. I’ve had a bad week, so I really want to pick where we go this time.”

All the way to serious and dangerous manipulation that can happen in an unhealthy relationship over a long period of time.

But if you feel like someone is being manipulative with their words…perhaps using some of those same 5 tactics we saw Laban use…what should you do?

A) Pause and pray

You don’t want to react. You want to have a clear and calculated response.

Now Jacob waited too long, but he did have a well-thought out response to Laban

B) Ask for help

This is where being in a House Church is essential. You need other Christians around you, that aren’t in the intensity of your emotional world. Someone who can speak objectively into your situation.

C) Stay in reality

A person using manipulation wants you to get turned around and guilty by their catastrophizing, and hypothetical virtue and all of their red herrings.

Just focus on what’s really going on (write it down if you need to).

D) Respond in truth & gentleness

A massive underlying problem in Jacob & Laban’s family system is they never talked about this.

And now, 20 years later, Jacob & his family are leaving in the middle of the night, Laban comes running after, and there’s this big event!

At some point, you do have to speak up.

But also, notice Jacob doesn’t retaliate. He doesn’t manipulate back.

And even a boundary is set, which is the 5th principle I want to put up here

E) Set boundaries if necessary

Jacob & Laban have decided they’re going to stop living in each other’s sphere of control.

Now, we need to be careful because all too often in our culture nowadays we too quickly label people as toxic and cut them out

But that’s not the pattern we’re traditionally led to in the Bible as Christians.

Generally, we are led towards reconciliation, which is often long and hard.

HOWEVER, there are times when you do need to put certain boundaries in place…and a boundary doesn’t mean you’re necessarily cutting someone off either.

But you may say:

“If you speak in that way, I have to remove myself, and we’ll talk about it later

“If you get drunk in front of your grandkids, I can’t have you over at our house anymore”

(Henry Could books)

If this is something that you think you want to learn more about, I’d highly recommend Henry Cloud’s Christian books on Boundaries

We have all four of his Boundaries books in our library.

We also have them on audiobook in the Libby App as well.

We want to resource you in your Christian walk

HOW DO I NOTICE IF I’M MANIPULATING PEOPLE

And I want us to look at a second important question here:

TWO QUESTIONS ON MANIPULATION

#1: What do I do if I feel like I’m being manipulated?

#2: How do I notice if I’m manipulating people?

Because the danger with a subject like this is that it’s VERY easy to think about OTHER people who are doing this.

Some of you are already thinking about weaponizing this message once you get in the car.

You’re going to click that seat belt in and then immediately say, “You know some of those examples he gave…you say that. You ever notice that???”

But don’t start there. Not today.

Start with yourself.

Because we all do this. 100%. We all use the tools from the Manipulator’s Manual once in a while.

The problem is: not enough of us can admit it anymore.

We live in this polarized world where everyone else is foolish and wrong, and we’re always right.

And that makes it really hard to look inward and see your own faults.

But if you can’t look inside and see how you do this too then you won’t grow.

And so you have to:

A) Start examining the way you speak

Do you ever exaggerate the point like Laban?

When someone confronts with you with a hard truth, do you throw out red herrings and try and shift the guilt back?

Study the words that are coming out of your mouth this week (especially in an argument!), don’t just study the other person

B) Ask for Feedback

If you really want to grow, ask for feedback.

Ask your friends, roommates, parents, spouse if they ever see you doing this, and if so, where?

And listen, if you are honored enough to be asked that question this week, by the 2% of people in this room brave enough to ask for feedback, please be gentle with them!

It’s a scary thing to ask!

And most people won’t ask.

But getting feedback is a way to really grow here

And the third way to really grow in this area is to…

C) Be courageously committed to the truth

The best way to avoid manipulation is to always tell the truth.

Because manipulation, at the foundation, is always based on a lie.

You fudge the truth.

You emotionally distort reality

You paint a false past.

IT’s the truth that ultimately conquers over manipulation.

It’s the TRUTH that sets you free.

Let’s pray.